An organization is like a tree full of monkeys... all on different limbs at different levels...some climbing up. The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces... The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

A day without sunshine is, like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Getting lost in thought may put you in unfamiliar territory.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Perhaps you're diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Borrow money only from pessimists; they don't expect it back.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Despite the high cost of living, it's still extremely popular.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Drive way too fast and you don't have to worry about cholesterol.

If you intend to live forever, so far, so good.

Support bacteria; they're the only culture some people have.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy the evidence.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private; failure, in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

A clear conscience is frequently the sign of a bad memory.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

All reports are in: life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to fold?

It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

UNABLE TO REMEMBER WHAT WAS THIS LAST POINT... NOT IMPORTANT, I SUPPOSE.

1. Compliment her.
2. Respect her.
3. Honor her.
4. Cuddle her.
5. Kiss her.
6. Caress her.
7. Love her.
8. Stroke her.
9. Tease her.
10. Comfort her.
11. Protect her.
12. Hug her.
13. Hold her.
14. Spend money on her.
15. Wine and dine her.
16. Listen to her.
17. Care for her.
18. Stand by her.
19. Support her.
20. Go to the ends of the earth for her.

1. Show up naked.
2. Bring food.

Best form of birth control after 50: nudity.

Difference between a girlfriend and a wife: 45 lbs.

Difference between a boyfriend and a husband: 45 minutes.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?: None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

Fastest way to a man's heart: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why are men and parking spaces alike?: Because all the good ones are taken and the only ones left are disabled.

Why do men want to marry virgins?: They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?: Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why does the bride always wear white?: Because it's good for the dishwasher to match with the stove and refrigerator.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?: Breasts don't have eyes.

Difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

Difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale: A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

One of the rarest things that we do is think. I don't know why people don't do it more often. It doesn't cost anything. Think about that.

There are questions that I'd like answered. But there aren't any answers to those questions.

If world leaders were doctors, I think they would be more concerned with the welfare of people. There would be less poverty. There would be medical care for everybody, no matter whether people paid for it or not.

In any good society, every member should be interested in the health of every other member. Because if any member is unhealthy, it's a burden on the society.

What advice would I give a doctor preparing for surgery? First and foremost, walk into the right operating room. After you've got the right room, make sure you've got the right patient.

I've done more than sixty thousand heart operations. I used to start operating at six in the morning. Sometimes I wouldn't finish until ten or eleven at night. I've been fortunate in that I need very little sleep. I can get along well on four or five hours.

Okra is the key to good gumbo.

I'm not sure I can answer that question specifically. But the operation I did in '53 for aneurysm of the thoracic aorta gave me great satisfaction. It had never been done successfully before, and lots of doctors took the position that you shouldn't try it. You've got to push ahead in spite of them. I learned that lesson early.

I don't think the difference between ninety-nine and a hundred is important.

I scheduled my last operation when I was ninety. I just felt that I'd done enough and should turn it over to my colleagues.

If you had a heart problem right now and needed an operation and I was the only doctor around, sure, I'd do it.

The best lesson my mother taught me involves an orphanage we had in town. Every Sunday after church we would get in the car and drive to the orphanage. Mother would bake bread and cookies, and she would go through our clothes and give the items we'd outgrown to the children at this orphanage. One Sunday, she was putting clothes in the basket and I noticed she had put one of my favorite caps inside. I immediately protested, but she reminded me that I had a new cap. "The child that's going to get this cap doesn't have a parent to give him a new cap," she said, "and you do." She told me I ought to be glad that I could give up the cap. I never forgot that.

Being compassionate, being concerned for your fellow man, doing everything you can to help people -that's the kind of religion I have, and it's a comforting religion. I don't get involved in discussions of intelligent design. You can't answer those questions, so why fool with them?

You can never learn enough.

It's important for a patient to go into an operation with confidence. The functions of the heart will be abnormal if they go in scared to death.

The worst thing, of course -and you're never quite prepared for it- is when the patient dies during the operation. You die a little every time that happens.

There was a historian in the fourteenth century who wrote a book about what he knew of the world, and for that time it was pretty good. One of the interesting observations he made is that all the tribes that have difficulty feeding themselves are lean and healthy, and those that have plenty of food are fat, lazy, and unhealthy.

People often use words in a loose way that covers over what they're talking about. I like to choose words that get to the basics.

The doctor who operated on me only a few years ago was one that I trained. I was lucky to have somebody like that.

Never had a symptom. The pain came like a bullet out of the blue. I was alone when it started. My wife and my daughter had gone out. The pain is often described as the worst pain you can have. The pain was so severe that I would have welcomed anything to relieve it -including death. I wasn't going to fight it. I look upon death as a part of living, just as some trees lose all their leaves in the winter and have them replaced in the spring. But at the same time, part of me was thinking, What caused this pain? Part of me was doing a diagnosis on myself- which, as it turned out, was correct. Aortic dissection. I'd written more articles about the condition than anybody in the world, and I resigned myself to having a heart stoppage. The pain didn't teach me anything about the heart. It simply emphasized what I had already learned.

I was a little surprised to find myself recovering after the surgery. Then gratified to have been given a second life.

During my recovery, I played possum. I pretended to be sleeping and listened to what the doctors standing over my bed were saying about my condition. Then I'd argue with them about the therapy. I'd make them prove that I needed it.

I guess it's hard to be my doctor.

Albert Einstein:

Smoke like a chimney, work like a horse, eat without thinking, go for a walk only in really pleasant company.

Certain people find everything boring.

I discovered that nature was constructed in a wonderful way, and our task is to find out the mathematical structure of the nature itself. It is a kind of faith that has helped me through my whole life.

With fame I become more and more stupid, which of course is a very common phenomenon.

The dog is very smart. He feels sorry for me because I receive so much mail. That's why he tries to bite the mailman.

I am a deeply religious nonbeliever. This is a somewhat new kind of religion.

Anything truly novel is invented only during one's youth. Later one becomes more experienced, more famous... and more blockheaded.

Nationalism is an infantile disease, the measles of mankind.

I have reached an age when, if somebody tells me to wear socks, I don't have to.

Nature shows us only the tail of the lion. But I have no doubt that the lion belongs with it, even if he cannot reveal himself all at once. We see him only the way a louse that sits upon him would.

Newton, forgive me.

(Esquire magazine).

This page is (permanently) under construction.